Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
