Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
