his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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