Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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