He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
