sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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