the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He did a backflip because drugs
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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