dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
