so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
