My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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