i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
