Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
