is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
