Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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