What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
