your thong is hanging out like whoa
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize