I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
