Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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