Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
