Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
