im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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