I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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