I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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