I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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