Are we in a gay sports bar?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
