Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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