Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize