Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
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