I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
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One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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