I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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