i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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