Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
