My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
