I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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