My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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