Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
