you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
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