I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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