I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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