Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
