I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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