i was rollin on her like bob the builder
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
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