That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
