I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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