Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I think we might need a safe word for this...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
