A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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