$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize