my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
