I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
