So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
