I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
