Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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