So drunk, too bad you don't want this
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
