Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I AM VODKA MAN
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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