I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
