My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
