I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
