is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
