There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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