not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I have already put on my inside pants.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
