I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
