she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
