What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize