what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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