Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
